I love love. I am in love and so happy, I think I am glowing and it shows. I am sure all of you want to hear about him and maybe even see him but I thought I should share what I have been learning in this relationship, because sharing is caring :).
First of all, it helps a lot if you are with the right person.The right person may not be your forever but it makes things easier when you are both on the same page.Sit by yourself and ask, ‘Is this the right person for me, am I the right person for them?” If both are in the negative, WALK AWAY. Run, if you must. I am a living testimony to ‘sticking it out’ till the bitter end, hoping things would change and I was hurt, unnecessarily. If however your answer is in the affirmative, well then roll up your sleeves and get to work…
Do your research.So one thing that usually helps me know the person I am dating is watching how my family and friends respond to them. So far, so good I have to say. The bonus is when even people who are not in your circle tell you really good things about your person. However there is also that other thing that never fails you, your heart. I don’t know how many of you reading are spiritual, but if you pay enough attention your spirit will tell you the truth.Some people call this your gut feeling, your soul will never lie to you so pay attention.After that bit is done…
Take off your rose coloured glasses, child. The Honeymoon Phase won’t last forever but it can be your everyday.We started off very cut and dry. I laid out my expectations and waited.When we finally happened, we were having disagreements about small things to really significant life altering things in the space of like three weeks.I remember there was even a whole week where we argued every single day.The thing is though, I knew this man was not going anywhere and we fought FOR each other not AGAINST each other. We worked through these things and continue to do so daily.So how do you make sure every day is a honeymoon?Affirming the other person, calling to find out how their day is, trying to see the other person as often as you can and being ready to listen to them, it’s the little things.
Guard your relationship.Anyone who knows me, knows that I am an open book, and when it comes to love,I like to share.However, I have been practicing restraint, mostly because we are building something so huge and great and we have to make sure the foundation is right and firm before the grand reveal. Social media is a great space but can also be detrimental to a relationship that is still learning to find its rhythm.In this regard, you also have to be watchful about who you let into that space. You can’t go telling everyone what’s going down, because everyone has an opinion. If you rely on them too much instead of relying on your partner,I guarantee you it won’t end well.
Trust the process.Alright confession time, I have always entered relationships knowing I would end up married.I have always been that girl.However relationships circa 2010 were looking more and more commitment phobic and instead more of ‘let’s just be here’.Now FOR ME, it didn’t work. I was so fed up, I just wanted to be by myself. Being committed to me sounded like the plan.Then I met him and turns out he wanted to settle down as well. I wanted to get hitched post haste but eventually I slowed down.We have so much to learn and so much to discover, there is no rush.When the time is right, it shall happen, whatever that ‘it’ is for you.
Get naked.Now get your mind out of THERE.What I mean is, be vulnerable,open.Get ready to be stripped down to your bare essentials. It will help a great deal. I have never been this open in a romantic relationship.This man knows me, especially the bits I have been hiding away for so long. He can tell when I am not ok, even though apparently I am hard to read. He knows those subtle changes in my voice, knows my walk, knows how picky I can get, can smell an argument from miles away, oh and he has seen the worst of me.The tears, the outbursts, the whining, the self-righteousness, and he is still here. The sooner you see each other’s ugly, the better.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.Time is a wonderful teacher but we don’t always learn when we are meant to, and this leads to remedial classes in the school of life until you get it. I am a horrible communicator. I am learning to say what is on my mind so as to be understood. It is so daunting.Makes you wonder why we go to school if all we are ever taught is to be politically correct. Speak your truth,respectfully and watch how much easier your life will be in general.That’s part one, part two is often overlooked but is also very important, LISTEN.Don’t listen just to respond, listen to understand.You will save yourselves all those needless fights. However, if you end up saying or doing something wrong…
Learn to say sorry. Most conflicts become bigger than they should be because one of y’all would not apologize. You don’t have to have the last word, you don’t have to be right.That word ‘sorry’ has opened up dialogue that possibly would not have happened if we were all up in arms. With your egos both down, you can both talk soberly and see each other’s point of view. Sometimes you may agree to disagree but it’s not the end of the world. Sometimes there are conflicts that you can agree to address later, that’s ok. But don’t go to bed angry at each other.
Water your garden.Relationships are not like cacti, just water them and leave it be.They are like a herb or a flower garden with many types of species that need different ways of care. First off, find out what makes your partner happy,(Love Languages) .For me gifts are number one. Second I think is Acts of Service.( By the way if someone can arrange my room for me, I will appreciate ;).Third is Touch.I love kisses and hand holding and hands around my waist or on my shoulder…you get the drift. He has cracked my code, I am not sure I have cracked his yet…but I know he likes food.:) Happiness for each individual is defined differently, and there are many ways to show that you really care for that person.
Allow yourself to grow.I have grown ten fold in these few months we have been an item and so has he. I feel like now I am in the right space and right frame of mind and very intentional about where I am going. My outlook on life has really changed and every day for me is a chance to be a better person for me then him. I no longer ask ‘what can he do for me’, but ‘what can I do for us?’The life I want to live has to be a joint effort and that means being a help meet not just a girl afraid to get her hands dirty.
Have fun learning about each other! Hands down, and I am not just saying this,my man is really good at what he does. I am in constant awe just watching him work.Actually that is what attracted me to him, the fact that we work very well together.I didn’t know he could SING and dance really well. Like guys, wedding reception, we are going to leave it ALL on that dance floor. By now he knows I can eat round the clock and that avocados are bae. He also knows that I LOVE pictures( which is why this keeping it on the down low has been hard) and that I love it when he complements me on my looks.See, fun!
Don’t lose yourself. When I fall, I fall HARD.I start seeing someone and I want to spend all my time with the guy, and that is not a good look. I will admit sometimes it has caught me off guard when he tells me he is hanging out with someone apart from me :D…but really it is healthy and necessary to have a life outside of the two of you. Think about it the main reason this person was attracted to you was because of who you were before you started dating.Don’t make the other person your whole world and start resenting them when they are getting their life and you aren’t.Make time for your friends, hobbies and most importantly alone time…
I could go on and on, but I am just really grateful to be in this place right now and really hope that if you are looking for love, you will wait, it’s worth it. I love him, he loves me, hopefully we shall all be one big happy family. I hope you all experience LOVE in its beautiful complexity and entirety and that it will leave you better than it found you.
Here’s to love.
HEARTEA CHATS 